Growing from Grief!

Grief is a response to loss. It is especially associated with the loss of your loved ones or something that was significant to you. This loss deeply affects you to the core. It has a substantial impact on your physical, emotional, social and psychological well-being.

The death of my sweetheart Bunny has left one such big scar and void in my life. It has intensely affected me. Bunny was not just a pet to me; he was my little brother, 4th sibling, my baby, my bestie, my comfort, my constant companion. Words fall short of describing what he meant to me.

Since he left for heavenly abode on 18th August 2024, our lives have changed a lot. For 10.5 years, he has become an integral part of our lives and family. He filled our lives with joy and happiness. He helped us become more accommodative, compassionate and better people. He helped us come out of our shell. He made us his paw-parents. He taught us to care, to protect, to share, to love unconditionally, to be patient, to learn to wait.

His death and his physical absence have left a void so big that it cannot be filled even if I recall every single day the moments we have spent together or how many images I post on social media or how many times I speak about him to my mom or sister or my family.

I wonder why it takes so long to process this loss? Why am I not able to overcome this grief? Is it because I can vividly recall date-wise what happened a month before his death, how his health deteriorated, how we tried to feed him, how desperately we waited for his blood test reports to be normal, how hard we all prayed for his life when we were running against the time? Or is it because I accidently happened to capture his all-final moments? Till date, I have been struggling to get answers to these questions.

I think, unlike humans, we are over-involved in our pets. They heal us with their presence. They know when we are happy or sad or are going through a rough time in our life. They offer their unconditional love and support and never judge you for who you are or what you are going through. Moreover, they are your constant companion in whatever you do. Bunny did all these things for us without any expectations or hope to get anything in return. No love, affection and presence can ever match his.

He was my tea partner. He loved tea and marie biscuits. I was his food tester. He used to eat only if I had tasted food beforehand. Both of us used to play a game called ‘Huii’. We loved it a lot. It was the game invented by Bunny and me – a mix and match of throw& fetch and hide & seek. Whenever I said ‘Huiii’ in a particular tone, Bunny used to grab any nearby piece of cloth and bring it to me; then I used to throw it somewhere for him to go and get it. Meanwhile, I used to hide, and he had to find me with that cloth in his mouth. Sometimes it also got converted to tug-of-war. We played it so many times and for so many years. I miss him & playing ‘Huii’ with him.

Whenever I returned from the office, he used to wag his tail and greet me by leaning his front legs on the safety door. After that, he used to snatch my scarf and keep biting it for a few minutes to show his anger and that he missed me. I used to bribe him by giving him treats like an ice-breaker. That was followed by endless cuddles and blabbering. Caressing him, his soft fur, his puppy eyes, his warmth, his heartbeats, tapping sound of his paws, barks, yawns and his being around me was soothing and no less than therapy.

And this is how you are over-involved in your pets. There is constant physical touch, their typical smell, their magical fiber scattered over all your places, their cute antics, tail-wagging, the sound of way they eat or drink and their innocence fill-up your life. Because you can feel them through all five senses, their presence and thoughts rule you physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically. It therefore means that grieving the loss of your beloved pet is difficult and takes considerable time for you to recover.

Post his death, Bunny has visited my dreams so many times. Yesterday itself I had a dream where I dreamt that he descended to earth for one-day. I spent the whole day with him, hugged him, talked to him and then he went back. It was a vivid and surreal dream. I was happy to have him back, but it left me in pain and despair when I was back in reality. It’s been almost a year since he went and there has not been a single day when I have not missed him or spoken to anyone about him.

I am sure every pet-parent suffers the loss of their pet like this. This may be the reason why Dad always resisted getting us a pet. He had experienced this pain thrice. At one point in time, he had to euthanize his dog. Sometimes, I think, Bunny knew how difficult it would have been for us to do so-and-so he kept fighting hard till his last breath. In that way, he also tried his best to mentally prepare us for this moment. Nevertheless, this grief is beyond words or any explanation.

                                                                                                                      Image courtesy: Google

I recently learnt about the stages of grief. According to the Kubler-Ross Model, there are five stages of grief that any person faces - Denial (refusing to accept the reality of the loss), Anger (frustration, resentment, and irritability directed at the loss or other people), Bargaining (trying to negotiate with a higher power or make deals to undo the loss), Depression (feelings of sadness, despair, and hopelessness), Acceptance (coming to terms with the loss and finding a way to move forward).

When I learnt about this theory, I sort of got a validation of what I was going through. I could see and relate to these stages. It made me realize that I am still processing the loss, and it may take time to heal.

In grief too, Bunny taught me to be strong, to acknowledge and cherish the moments, to let go, to accept. I need to implement his teaching of being patient and being compassionate, this time towards myself. In this too, Bunny is healing me and helping me grow out of this difficult time with his blessings and precious memories. Always grateful to have your presence in my life. Love you always, handsome Bunsome!

Goodbye!

Goodbye!

You may have heard it so many times that ‘it is hard to say goodbye!’ Trust me, some goodbyes are not just hard, but they are heart-wrenching. You are left short of words to describe that pain. 18th August, 2024 brought one of the most difficult goodbyes in my life. 

My beloved Bunny passed away. This November he would have completed 11 years of age. Bunny needs no introduction. He was not just a dog. To us, he was a sibling, a buddy and our most spoilt baby. For almost 11 years, he had been an inseparable part of our lives. He had indeed changed our lives altogether by his very being. 

Bunny’s entry in our lives was not only dramatic but also miraculous. Evening of 11th November, 2013 brought in our lives the most precious gift we could ever get. I always said, Bunny is God-Gift, we could have never found anyone like him ever. That evening a small, frail pup walked in our lives to transform us as a human forever. With his arrival our lives were filled with all the joys, happiness and contentment. 

I must say he was one of a kind by his personality – antique piece, as Aai called him. He was quirky, sassy, choosy and at times short tempered. In the morning when my Ajji sat down to say her prayers, he used to go and sit in her lap as if he was also praying alongside her. I always wonder how he knew that age-wise Ajji was the senior-most in our house, the weak and vulnerable one. He was so watchful that he did not like anyone going near her. Anyone who bowed to take her ‘ashirwad’, had to undergo his ‘dreadful’ bark. He was extremely protective towards her. 

Sometimes when she kept some portions of ‘prasad’ for us, Bunny used to sneak and eat it all. Peda, Besan Ladoo, Malai Barfi, Puran Poli, steamed sprouts (harbara, matki, chhole, vatana etc.) were some of his most favourite items. He liked those so much that he used to steal them. 

At one occasion, he literally stole besan ladoo from Rohinikaku’s bag. Once he also stole a whole box of malai barfi and left an empty box as a clue. By the time Aai came to see what was going on, malai barfi was sitting in Bunny's tummy and helpless Aai found Bunny with guilty-face in the kitchen. 

Pedha made Vasant-kaka his one of the most favourite persons. Everyday Kaka used to get pedha for him without failing. Bunny knew the exact time when Kaka used to come. At that particular time, he used to sit with all his eyes on the main door. He used to get super-excited even with the sound of Kaka’s vehicle and start wagging his tail.   

Bunny also loved puranpoli and sprouts. While cooking these foods in the kitchen, with each whistle of the cooker, Bunny came in to check the status. He literally used to be impatient when these items were getting cooked. 

While trying any new food, he had one rule - first that food has to be tasted by me; if I eat & offer him that food, only then does he eat it. I was his ‘Food-Taster’.

Every morning, we had tea and biscuits together. When I used to open a packet of biscuits, I could find him standing next to me, asking for his share. Once I finished my tea, I used to keep my tea-cup on his head and say ‘this is my little fur-table’.

He did all the talking with his eyes. His eyes were extremely beautiful. It spoke so much without actual human words. I remember once Dad was hospitalized for some surgery. Bunny could not meet him for 8 days. Once Dad was discharged from hospital and he came home, Bunny literally had tears in his eyes. It showed clearly how much he missed Dad.

Prachi was his favourite ‘chew-stick’. He has bitten her so many times despite she being the one to feed him lunch and dinner daily. And Pratik was his personal assistant to bathe him, take him for a walk, take him to vet and what not. To be honest, I did little for him and this is what eats me up now. I regret it. I wanted to do so much for him. 

Time went by so fast and it transformed my sweet little pup into an aged dog. Like in humans, in dogs too age comes with ailments. This May only, we had to put Bunny on a 5-day IV course. Doctor said it was some liver infection. He recovered from it. 

However, since mid-July, he stopped eating all together. He did not even drink water for up to 4-5 days. Doctor took his blood samples. Diagnosis showed poor kidney and liver parameters. Doctor told his age is not supportive to give him strong antibiotics. He was put on fluid therapy again. 

Pratik took him to the vet daily for saline. After coming from Court, calling Nana-Kaka for his rickshaw and Doctor for his availability and then taking Bunny to the clinic, became his daily-routine for a month till 18th August. He was hopeful, everyone was hopeful that Bunny will come out of this safe, sound and that his health will recover.

However, his health kept deteriorating. This time, his blood report showed he had ‘jaundice’. He lost almost 8-10 kgs. During the last few days, he was force-fed using a syringe, with the hope that at least some solid food will help him recover. While feeding too, his eyes used to get moist, as if he was trying to tell us that this is the final few days. 

On Saturday (17th August, 2024), it was raining heavily in the evening. I came home and saw Bunny was being fed. Pooja, Darshan had also come. Dhananjay was also there. He insisted that I stay back at Guruwar-Peth home, with Bunny. I think he too knew that Bunny was already on his final journey. I stayed back.

That night, the Doctor could not come as he too was stuck in rain. Pratik went out and bought IV & injections as instructed by the Doctor. Aai put Bunny on IV and I sat next to him. It was around 1.45 am when IV finished. After that Aai and Pratik went to sleep. I stayed back with Bunny. 

That night despite IV, he was not sleeping. He was restless and breathing heavily and with difficulty. I tried to comfort him by patting him, massaging him. But nothing seemed to work. In the early hours, he vomited and then pooped. I noticed blood in poop. I realised it is just a matter of a few hours or day and he won’t be around.

It was Sunday morning – 18th August, 2024 around 8.40-45 am, when Bunny’s soul left his body forever. He died in the arms of his most favourite ‘Pitoo Dada’ with Aai and me being around. As said earlier, this was, rather, this is the toughest goodbye ever for all of us. His mortals were buried at Kaka’s farmhouse. 

Like Ajji, Bunny too fought for long for his life. During this last phase he was mentally preparing us for the worst. In his death, he taught us how to face our worst nightmares. It was a learning – denial mode in such difficult & crisis times will only worsen things; by acknowledging and accepting things as they are, can help you swim through such situations. THIS TOO SHALL PASS! 

It is almost a month since Bunny passed away, but there goes no day without us missing him. He taught us commitment. He made us compassionate, kind, empathetic, sensible and responsible humans. He occupied our lives in such a way that now when he is gone, it is difficult to do even a single thing without remembering him. I still feel that he is around me. Sometimes he does visit me in my dreams. With him no more, there is no blabbering, no playing. 

I miss his bark, the feel of his fur, the warmth of his body, his heart beat, his magical fibre all over my clothes, his whole being. This pain is taking time to heal. The void left cannot be filled anytime soon for I’ve lost not just a ‘pet’, but a brother, bestie, stress-buster, healer, therapist and my baby. This damage is manifold. I still feel a lump in my throat and my eyes well up while talking about his memories. 

Nevertheless, I always feel grateful that I got to share my life with him. He enriched my life in countless beautiful ways. I know he is watching over me and will definitely come to me in some form or the other. I consider myself very lucky that he came into my life and made me believe in its goodness. 

I love you, Bun! You were and will always be my sweet, little, cutie boy forever. Miss you Pupushki!

As of now, I sign off with these borrowed lines:

It's been a long day without you, my friend

And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again

We've come a long way from where we began

Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again!

   

5 years ago...

11^th November, 2013. Around 18.30 hours. It was chilly winter Monday evening. We were busy arranging things at home to match those with freshly painted walls. I was rushing things as I had to see my friends that evening. I was in midst of something when I heard feeble sound. I was all ears. It was faint and helpless “woof-woof” coming from my building’s parking/ staircase.

For a second I thought it was my neighbor's puppy who I thought had fallen from their window. I immediately went down to check what was happening. All I saw was small ball of fur, a cute, little, weak pup. I knew it was not my neighbor's pup, so I went around checking if some other puppies are there, but to no avail. There was no one around. Clearly, there were two probabilities – someone had left this pup there or it had lost its way. Either way, that pup was orphaned and homeless.

I called Pratik down. Initially I was very scared to touch it. Pratik brought one basket and warm cloth and put that pup in it. I did not know how to respond to the situation. Surely I was surprised, but had no feelings as such towards that pup, I thought. I continued with my plan and went out with my friends.

I was out but was not mentally there. I found my mind constantly running back to that pup. There was something about that pup. Its frail voice was there in my ears and was disturbing me. I started feeling restless. I called Gaurav, my friend, who knew about various organizations which took up such pups for adoption. He shared one number. I ranged that. The lady on the other side showed her inability to pick the pup the very same evening. She suggested that I keep the pup for that night and that she will come to pick it Tuesday morning. I got panicked with the sudden responsibility.

I again called Gaurav to inform what had happened. He gave me instructions as to what I should do to keep that pup warm, what I should give it to eat etc. One of the suggestions was to get some gripe water for it. I found that one weird; it was as if some baby had come to my place. I complied with the “To-do” list.

I came home to find that pup was given entry in my home. I was baffled with my parents approach. We siblings always wanted to have a dog as a pet, which they always resisted saying it was not easy to have a dog. They gave varied reasons for the same. But the truth was they did not want us to go through that traumatic phase of separation from the beloved pet. Back then, we were already grieving the loss of our (not exactly ours) cat, Sharukh. So we knew how painful it could get.

I could neither study nor sleep that night. I was constantly checking on that pup. It was sleeping peacefully. When it woke up, it went on peeing spree. I was like dude stop that, because I had to clean that mess. We fed it milk mixed with gripe water. It slept again.

Tuesday morning, that lady called me up saying that she would pick the pup. We decided to meet midway. I don’t know how but, Dad got convinced and he said, “You can keep that pup. And we can send him to Vasantkaka's farmhouse.” 

Those words confused us. We were like, is Dad serious? But he said yes, we can keep it provided we take its good care. I again did not know how to respond. What was happening was beyond my comprehension. There was one time when I was craving to have a pet dog. I had even convinced myself that I will never ever be able to fulfill my wish. And now, out of nowhere we were having a pup. I called that lady again to inform her that we are keeping the pup. She appreciated our decision and also shared some vital tips to take care of it. She also told us to see vet asap. 

We took the pup to the vet. He said the pup was just 2-3 weeks old, separated from its mother. So its survival was prime aim. He suggested dos-don’ts. In short, extra-care was needed. It was as if we had a baby. We got into sudden parenthood, with arrival of that pup.

That pup, I named him RRio. It looked more like a rabbit due to its fur and color. So my mom named it as Bunny. I wonder, what if that Lady had come the same Monday evening, what if my parents mind had not changed, what if?? We may never had Bunny in our lives.

Today we celebrate Bunny’s 5^th birthday. It is actually not his birthday. It’s a day when we found him. Let me correct that. It’s a day when he found and chose us, decided to be part of our family and change our lives forever. It is also a day which restores my faith in destiny. Destiny wanted us to meet. This day also signifies that never give up on your wishes and dreams. They can come true in weirdest possible ways and not necessarily at the times when you think they should. They come true when you need it the most without your knowledge. 

Am eternally grateful to Almighty for this gift. Only lucky ones are privileged to have dogs in their lives. We are among those. All I can say now, God bless Bunny and dog bless us!