Grief is a response to loss. It is especially associated with the loss of your loved ones or something that was significant to you. This loss deeply affects you to the core. It has a substantial impact on your physical, emotional, social and psychological well-being.
The death of my sweetheart Bunny has left one such big scar and void in my life. It has intensely affected me. Bunny was not just a pet to me; he was my little brother, 4th sibling, my baby, my bestie, my comfort, my constant companion. Words fall short of describing what he meant to me.
Since he left for heavenly abode on 18th August 2024, our lives have changed a lot. For 10.5 years, he has become an integral part of our lives and family. He filled our lives with joy and happiness. He helped us become more accommodative, compassionate and better people. He helped us come out of our shell. He made us his paw-parents. He taught us to care, to protect, to share, to love unconditionally, to be patient, to learn to wait.
His death and his physical absence have left a void so big that it cannot be filled even if I recall every single day the moments we have spent together or how many images I post on social media or how many times I speak about him to my mom or sister or my family.
I wonder why it takes so long to process this loss? Why am I not able to overcome this grief? Is it because I can vividly recall date-wise what happened a month before his death, how his health deteriorated, how we tried to feed him, how desperately we waited for his blood test reports to be normal, how hard we all prayed for his life when we were running against the time? Or is it because I accidently happened to capture his all-final moments? Till date, I have been struggling to get answers to these questions.
I think, unlike humans, we are over-involved in our pets. They heal us with their presence. They know when we are happy or sad or are going through a rough time in our life. They offer their unconditional love and support and never judge you for who you are or what you are going through. Moreover, they are your constant companion in whatever you do. Bunny did all these things for us without any expectations or hope to get anything in return. No love, affection and presence can ever match his.
He was my tea partner. He loved tea and marie biscuits. I was his food tester. He used to eat only if I had tasted food beforehand. Both of us used to play a game called ‘Huii’. We loved it a lot. It was the game invented by Bunny and me – a mix and match of throw& fetch and hide & seek. Whenever I said ‘Huiii’ in a particular tone, Bunny used to grab any nearby piece of cloth and bring it to me; then I used to throw it somewhere for him to go and get it. Meanwhile, I used to hide, and he had to find me with that cloth in his mouth. Sometimes it also got converted to tug-of-war. We played it so many times and for so many years. I miss him & playing ‘Huii’ with him.
Whenever I returned from the office, he used to wag his tail and greet me by leaning his front legs on the safety door. After that, he used to snatch my scarf and keep biting it for a few minutes to show his anger and that he missed me. I used to bribe him by giving him treats like an ice-breaker. That was followed by endless cuddles and blabbering. Caressing him, his soft fur, his puppy eyes, his warmth, his heartbeats, tapping sound of his paws, barks, yawns and his being around me was soothing and no less than therapy.
And this is how you are over-involved in your pets. There is constant physical touch, their typical smell, their magical fiber scattered over all your places, their cute antics, tail-wagging, the sound of way they eat or drink and their innocence fill-up your life. Because you can feel them through all five senses, their presence and thoughts rule you physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically. It therefore means that grieving the loss of your beloved pet is difficult and takes considerable time for you to recover.
Post his death, Bunny has visited my dreams so many times. Yesterday itself I had a dream where I dreamt that he descended to earth for one-day. I spent the whole day with him, hugged him, talked to him and then he went back. It was a vivid and surreal dream. I was happy to have him back, but it left me in pain and despair when I was back in reality. It’s been almost a year since he went and there has not been a single day when I have not missed him or spoken to anyone about him.
I am sure every pet-parent suffers the loss of their pet like this. This may be the reason why Dad always resisted getting us a pet. He had experienced this pain thrice. At one point in time, he had to euthanize his dog. Sometimes, I think, Bunny knew how difficult it would have been for us to do so-and-so he kept fighting hard till his last breath. In that way, he also tried his best to mentally prepare us for this moment. Nevertheless, this grief is beyond words or any explanation.
I recently learnt about the stages of grief. According to the Kubler-Ross Model, there are five stages of grief that any person faces - Denial (refusing to accept the reality of the loss), Anger (frustration, resentment, and irritability directed at the loss or other people), Bargaining (trying to negotiate with a higher power or make deals to undo the loss), Depression (feelings of sadness, despair, and hopelessness), Acceptance (coming to terms with the loss and finding a way to move forward).
When I learnt about this theory, I sort of got a validation of what I was going through. I could see and relate to these stages. It made me realize that I am still processing the loss, and it may take time to heal.
In grief too, Bunny taught me to be strong, to acknowledge and cherish the moments, to let go, to accept. I need to implement his teaching of being patient and being compassionate, this time towards myself. In this too, Bunny is healing me and helping me grow out of this difficult time with his blessings and precious memories. Always grateful to have your presence in my life. Love you always, handsome Bunsome!
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